My Experiences with Internet Pornography

What is addiction?

Dr. Gabor Mate defines addiction as any behavior in which a person finds temporary relief or pleasure and therefore craves, but that in the long term causes them or others negative consequences, and yet the person refuses or is unable to give it up.

With Gabor’s definition of addiction in mind, have you ever had an addiction in your life?

Have you ever used food, sex, work, tv, the internet, overspending, people pleasing, alcohol, caffeine, or procrastination to escape, numb your emotional pain, or soothe yourself?

I certainly have.

In the last 17 years, many men and women have shared their struggles with numbing out emotional pain. One of the most common and least talked about ways is with internet pornography. Many of these individuals have over a decade of recovery from drugs and alcohol but still have struggled to stop watching pornography. Why? For some, it’s due to sexual trauma in their past. For others, it’s a way to find pleasure, arousal, or cope with stress, boredom, or tension. For most, it’s how widely available and accessible pornographic content is on their cell phone, tablet, or computer. Add in the highly addictive nature of present-day internet pornography, and things start to make sense. Over time, those massive hits of dopamine you’re experiencing when watching porn (similar to a hit of cocaine) can lower your baseline dopamine, which may eventually lead to issues such as depression, anxiety, and low esteem.

Let’s check out some stats about internet pornography:

Today, porn sites receive more website traffic in the U.S. than Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Netflix, Pinterest, and Zoom combined.

One porn site alone gets more visitors per site than Netflix and Amazon.

1 in 5 mobile searches are for pornography.

For adults, an estimated 91.5% of men and 60.2% of women report that they’ve consumed porn in the past month.

According to a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Research, about half (49%) of young adult women agree that viewing pornography is an acceptable way of expressing one’s sexuality.

74 percent of men who report having watched pornography in the past 24 hours say they have felt self-conscious or insecure in the past week.

56% of divorces involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”

A nationally representative estimate of U.S. youths (ages 14 to 18) exposed to pornography: 84.4% of males and 57% of females.

The first exposure to pornography among men is 12 years old, on average.

Do these stats surprise you?

What do you suppose internet pornography does to a child’s brain development?

I started watching internet pornography at 11 years old. My curiosity eventually led me to escapism and secrecy. When I was angry, stressed, depressed, frustrated, or feeling less than, I could find temporary relief with internet porn. In adulthood, I would stop at times. I could go 400+ days, but eventually, I would come back. One of the primary reasons I kept coming back was not addressing the root cause.

At the source was the shame about my body. Hurtful comments as a child and teenager stuck to my nervous system, mind, and body like glue. Like when I played football, and the team captain said, “You’re so skinny,” or the time swimming in high school when a boy mentioned how boney my chest looked. I created a story and script I subconsciously repeated that I lacked safety in my body and that I could easily be hurt. I would dissociate from my body and feelings. Numbing out with internet porn was one of my methods to relieve the unresolved emotions.

It was not until I admitted that internet porn negatively impacted my mental, relational, and emotional health that I could start the deeper work.

Below is a list of what I’ve found helpful in abstaining from internet pornography.

Here’s what’s helped me:

Sharing with safe people Hiring a coach Trauma-informed therapy Deep inner work Meaningful social connections No television after 9:00 PM Books about tantra and internet porn addiction Courses on sexual self-mastery 90-day reboot Self-care Sleeping well Eating well A morning routine Night time rituals Using a daily planner Tracking goals and habits Doing things that make me feel supported, connected, joyful, grateful Doing things outside my comfort zone daily Compassionate inner dialoguing with my feelings and beliefs Self-compassion and forgiveness Cold showers and cold plunges Self-regulation techniques like breathing, mindfulness, prayer, and meditation Daily walks and movement Stretching Jiu-jitsu

The benefits of stopping have been better mental health, more energy, confidence, less anxiety and depression, self-discipline, and more positive risk-taking. Increased confidence leads to better decisions and gets me out of my comfort zone, benefiting my relationships and business. I seek more social connections with friends and peers. I laugh more and show my humor without being afraid of being rejected or embarrassed.

This post is not to judge someone's behavior as shameful or wrong, nor is it to judge porn performers. I’ve seen articles on how internet porn can enhance physical and mental health and the alternatives, such as “ethical porn.” Maybe internet porn is considered “normal” and healthy today. But I intend to illuminate how mainstream internet pornography impacts our children, relationships, attention, energy, and feelings about ourselves. It’s to point out that “the most obvious, ubiquitous, important realities are often the ones hardest to talk about.” (The Myth of Normal) What appears to be “normal” and seldom talked about in our society must be addressed and brought out of the shadow to light. I choose to be vulnerable and share my experience so we can start to bring awareness and initiate safe conversations.

What are your thoughts?

Sources and Resources:

https://fightthenewdrug.org/by-the-numbers-see-how-many-people-are-watching-porn-today/

https://enough.org/stats-youth-and-porn

https://www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/

https://ifstudies.org/blog/how-prevalent-is-pornography

https://businessinthenews.co.uk/2020/07/19/pornhub-receives-more-website-traffic-than-amazon-and-netflix-new-research-reveals/?amp=1

https://bookauthority.org/books/best-sexual-addiction-books

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/1874574

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1743609515334354?via%3Dihub

https://www.utahvalleypsychology.com/pornography-addiction-science-fact-or-science-fiction-2/

https://blockerx.net/blog/dopamine-and-porn/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articles-about-the-studies/dopamine-receptors/

https://drhollyrichmond.com/services-2/

#addiction #shame #porn #pornography #askforhelp #sex #sexaddiction #dopamine #dysmorphia #gabormate #themythofnormal #shadow #light #emotional #pain #soothe #stats #abnormal #didyouknow #relief

Wrapping Up 2022: The Year of Humility

“On the morning of December 22, 2005, I was four days sober and scared shitless. I had slept over at my brother Justin’s house the night before, and that morning he held back tears as he helped with my tie. I was to appear that day before a federal judge in a U.S. district court for using the mail to obtain pharmaceutical drugs. Justin drove my mother, his wife Julie, and me to the post office in Manchester, New Hampshire, where I was arranged to be detained.” Excerpt from my book “If Not You, Then Who?”

That day was 17 years ago, but it still feels like yesterday. Although I didn’t know it then, it was the beginning of a heart, mind, and soul journey that would transform my trauma, stories, and adversities into a message of hope for those facing similar circumstances.

The last 17 years have taught me that we are all in recovery. You might be in recovery from generational trauma, present life trauma, caretaking, codependency, emotional addictions, living in your head, food, sex, Facebook, alcohol, etc.

Like many of you, I’ve struggled with addiction and mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression. Aloneness. Attachment. Caretaking. Reflecting on my adult life, I realize I was more afraid of living fully than I was of dying. As extreme as this may sound, it was the truth. What would happen if I shared my authentic voice and gifts with the world entirely? It was easier and less threatening to dim down my light than to shine. However, not expressing and sharing with the world came at a great cost to my well-being and mental health.

There are many ways we can choose to find relief, healing, and integration. Today I utilize many tools of self-care. I also honor and cherish the power of healing in relationships. Being with people who love the real, authentic me has brought profound awareness and healing opportunities.

Integrating my medicine journeys and experiences has also been an integral part of my story. I'm not afraid to share these stories with others. I now guide and coach many in their understanding, application, and integration with these journeys. I plan on sharing more of my experience to bring education, awareness, and understanding to help reduce the stigma of those who choose to explore another healing pathway.

Ignite your light and enjoy the rest of 2022!

#connection

#expansion

Supercharge Your Self-Care Routine With A Cold Shower

Photo by Joshua Earle

As the uncertainty of Covid-19 increases, so does our anxiety. For some of us, this experience is all too familiar.

Several years ago, during my recovery from opioid addiction, I was locked in a constant battle with anxiety. When I didn’t have it, I was joyous, free, and content. When I did have it, I was separated, lost, and confused. To be honest, I didn’t have anxiety; anxiety had me. My seven-year habit of two Red Bulls a day didn’t help. I would have given anything for relief.

One day, a recovery friend of mine told me I needed to start taking cold showers. My first reaction was, “What? It’s December. No way.” (Did I mention I live in New Hampshire?) Almost as a dare, I decided to try it: I turned on the cold water full force, which literally took my breath away. A few minutes later, I emerged from the shower bright red, thinking I’d never do that again. Two hours later, I was attending a meeting where I typically experienced a lot of anxiety. Strangely, I wasn’t anxious at all. Now I was intrigued.

I started a 30-day trial of daily cold showers, and within just a few days, I noticed a consistent reduction in my anxiety symptoms. After thirty days, the light bulb went off: now that the cold showers had largely removed my anxiety, I was ready to let go of other unhelpful things in my life, including my final crutch, caffeine. I decided to continue. By the 90-day mark, I felt like a resilient warrior. Even though anxiety was now just an afterthought, I did not stop the practice.

Five years later, I still take my showers cold. It charges up my inner battery and improves my mood. I am more productive, confident, and alert during the day. And the newfound confidence I gained from a daily cold shower enabled me to quit caffeine completely.

But do cold showers really work for others? To find out, I recently created my own 22-day cold shower challenge, and here are just a few responses:

No alt text provided for this image Harriet: I’ve taken a daily cold shower or cold bath since July 2019, and it calms me down, reduces chronic anxiety, improves depression, gives me nice skin, and has helped regulate/reduce some daily hot sweats, or hot flashes.

Vicky: I like the energy boost I get. Great start to the morning at 4 A.M.

Russell: ‪I take cold showers because I feel great after and it reduces any anxiety and stress that I am feeling.

Turid: ‪I took a 10-minute cold shower this morning, and at 2 pm, I am still reaping the benefits: mental focus, energy levels through the roof, and general well-being. A cold shower simply puts a smile on my face every day!

Denish: Day 17 done. The benefits of cold showers are

‪1. Self-discipline 2. Mental Toughness ‪3. Energy

Cold showers are a natural healing remedy and positive stressor. Hundreds of people have testified to the power of the cold shower, which has been awe-inspiring and motivating to witness. Now people are using cold showers through the Covid-19 lockdown to empower themselves and stay focused. I refuse to let quarantine, or any other obstacle, get in the way of feeling my best. Yes, cold showers help me be at my best and I encourage you to give it a try.

With the potential increase in mental health issues in the coming months, finding positive health practices are critical. After taking 1500 days of cold showers, they still work for me. But by no means am I saying that cold showers are for everyone or the cure all. Cold showers are difficult for most people. This is why I recommend you not do what I did, and instead begin your cold showers gradually.

Try This:

Start with a warm shower as usual and proceed with your normal cleaning routine. When you’ve finished your routine, turn the water to colder than normal. See? That wasn’t so difficult! Each day, continue to increase the coldness level and length of your cold shower over the next 7 days. Work your way up to 1-2 minutes of cold-water immersion in the shower.

During these unprecedented times, boosting your immune system and practicing radical self-care has never been more important. Sitting at a computer screen all day is mentally exhausting. Before you jump on the computer today, take your first cold shower. When challenges arrive, you will be happy you started this practice. Combining cold showers with other healthy practices such as getting sunlight, meditation, plant-based whole foods, and exercise will help carry you through this and any other challenging time period.

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Check out Smash Your Comfort Zone with Cold Showers to learn more.

Jesse Harless, M.A. is a leader in the addiction recovery and mental health space. He is the author of Smash Your Comfort Zone with Cold Showers and the creator of Entrepreneurs in Recovery® Workshops, which are highly experiential online and in-person workshops to help individuals discover their inherent ability to increase resilience, harness strengths, amplify appreciation, and create purposeful visions.

Visit his website at RecoveryFacilitation.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jesseharless222/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JesseHarless22